Hell versus Heaven

This moment I realized that this world isn't about getting higher anymore. This moment I realized that it's impossible to do so. This moment.. I have finally awake from my dream.. yes.. a nightmare... It's only about survivability. How good and how long can you last.

Once again, standing here.. this familiar place. In the middle of this crossroad alone, standing still, unable to make decision. Going the normal way is not an option for me anymore. My failure of acknowledging it few years ago had sealed this path forever. Only paths left for me are the insignificant pathway to Heaven and the tempting pathway to Hell.

I've chosen Hell once and I fell deep inside. Now that I've finally made my way out.. it began calling me back. Calling me aggressively.. so very hard to resist. I don't know how much longer I can last...

Despite the fact that I'm not that much a fool to the extent of unable to make a decision for such trivial matters, I wish someone can point out a path for me to take. I'm... afraid......

Myself No More...

I've asked myself countless times, are you still yourself? As I grew older.. mature? maybe... finally, i'm brave enough to seek for an answer for this question haunting me past few years. And yes.. I found “it”... isn't what i'd expect yet it's not like i'm unaware of it.

Finding out that i'm just a mere shell is not that bad after all. At least I get to know myself more than just looking at the mirror. Small shell as I was... I had always managed to live up to expectations.. being a perfectionist wasn't that hard but as time passed... more and more things filled into this tiny shell. So much... that the shell can take it no more. Contaminated... once glowing so bright in this dark beach.. “once....” it's getting dim.. getting pale.. indistinct and finally it failed.....

Failed to contain everything everyone filled in as it begun to leak... leaking necessary and unnecessary things... slowly. People aren't going to notice the leakage deep inside, or rather even if they knew... no one's going to fix it.... Only thing they'd do are just continue filling this broken shell.. until one day.

However, this failure is not to be put blame into anyone.. none other than the shell itself. For not being strong enough to hold and huge enough to keep...

For those who read this... and you think your having the same trouble... good luck mate.. don't get broken as much as I do. Welcome to life... to maturity...

For those who think your getting “filled” more than I do and your doing perfectly fine... then gtfo and do your party... i'm sorry I ain't that big shell as you are.

Finally, my answer. No! I'm pretty sure i'm not myself anymore... not anymore but one day... I will be back.... I know I will!

So are you still yourself??

Hazy Beginning

Reading my frens' blogs are really fun... I wtf-ed at em... seriously-ed?!? at em. He told me writing everything there makes him feel better. It's not like i'm feeling bad at the moment, just that i'm really bored lately. Getting really “sien” of these daily routines... wake up, class, eat, sleep, class, eat, sleep and it goes on and on and on.... I need smth new! Smth to kill time! Smth that's able to trigger my mind to get working again (it had gone rusty, really)! Despite having stuffs piled up waiting for me to handle... here i'm.. slowly began to tell myself.. why not?